Walk or Ride? No Brainer!

The starter asked me if I was walking or riding.

I said, “I’m riding.”

“How about the other guys?”

“They’re walking.”

“What’s wrong with them?”

“They like the exercise.”

He said, “if I want to exercise, I go to the gym, not the golf course.”

My Point Exactly.

I do not hike between golf shots for the same reason I do not pheasant hunt between shots. It’s not what I am there for. I do not Zumba in the produce aisle of the grocery store or lift weights in the waiting room at Jiffy Lube, and I refuse to power walk on a golf course.

I prefer to ride a golf cart and to move quickly and comfortably from shot to shot. I am not lazy, just rational. I would ride in the shopping cart at Walmart if my legs still fit in the seat. I think coffins should have wheels. And if I was ever standing in the tee box of the famous 632 yard 12^th hole at Oakmont Country Club, I would call an Uber.

But there are guys who prefer to walk the course. Ironically, these are the same guys who own riding mowers, always take the escalator, and sit in a parking lot waiting for some granny to pull out so to get a spot closer to the store entrance.

They push or pull their bag on wheels around the course looking like the last guy in a circus parade. Or they carry their clubs in lightweight golf bags similar to Robin Hood’s quiver. In the meantime, I must wait in my cart for them to meander down the fairway.

In 1932, Lyman Beecher of Florida invented the modern day golf cart. Today one million carts populate golf courses like buffalo roaming the frontier plains. Other forms of course transportation have evolved such as bikes, scooters, and hovercrafts. I still prefer the standard golf cart but would consider some form of chuck wagon.

The future of golf carts? Thanks to Hovercraft for sharing some fun today at Hulman Links pic.twitter.com/ch0Jcr0Sxb

— Greg Towne (@CoachGTowne) October 8, 2016

A cart provides time to find your ball, study your shot, select a club, fluff your lie, floss your teeth, and buy a new grill on Amazon while waiting for the green to clear. It protects you from the sun, wind, rain, and shanks. A cart has a basket for your cooler, a shelf for your hot dog, cup holders, a cushioned seat, and special inserts to cradle your balls.

Who could ask for more?  

It is a place to relax and contemplate the great mysteries of life, while waiting for the walkers to drag their sorry asses up the fairway.

Why would anyone not ride a cart?

Enjoy Nature?

Some players walk to enjoy nature and the scenery. Baloney.

Many golfers play the same country club over and over, where they see the same old shimmering lake, the same pristine sand traps, know every tree on a first limb basis, know the roll of every manicured green and the dedication on every memorial bench. Even the squirrels wave to them. There is nothing new to see and savor.

As for amateurs on the public courses, there is certainly nothing to see. They trek across fairways of diseased fescue, sand traps compacted as hard as the parking lot, and greens with more bumps, ridges, and pockmarks than an aging hooker’s thighs. FEMA volunteers witness better conditions.

Forget about nature. Get a cart.

Health Reasons?

My heartbeat exceeds 100 beats per minute on every three foot putt, 170 yard carry, and holes with out of bounds on the right. A TikTok shot of Paige Spiranac is enough to get my heart racing. I do not need to lug my clubs up and down fairways for health benefits.

If you walk a round of golf, you burn the same number of calories as packed in a Bic Mac. In the meantime, you grind down several millimeters of knee cartilage which unlike weatherstripping cannot be replaced. Plus, on hot days, you run the risk of heat stroke, chaffing, or a case of Lucas Glover swamp ass.

I may eventually need rotator cuff surgery from chugging beers and toasting martinis at the clubhouse, but my knees are in mint condition. It’s bad enough having to count my strokes much less my steps. To be more helpful, Fitbits should not track how many steps you have taken, but how many steps you have left before your next knee replacement. A golf cart is a lifeboat, climb aboard.

Purity of the Game?                                                                                                                   

Some players insist on walking to preserve the rich tradition of the game. Guess what, Mr. Knickers, that divot has flown.

I do not see anyone hitting balls made of leather and feathers. Persimmon woods have been replaced by metal drivers with heads the size of a toaster, wooden shafts have been replaced with space age titanium, cleats have changed from metal to plastic to rippled soles.

We now have hybrid clubs, laser rangefinders, and five foot long putters. And fans at the Waste Management Open hurl bottles and cups rather than politely applaud. So, while Bobby Jones is spinning in his grave, jump in a cart.

And let’s dispel one final falsehood. Walking between shots does not improve your performance. If so, professional bowlers would do laps in the parking lot between frames, and I would be doing jumping jacks next to my bed during foreplay.

So here is my compromise. You can walk but only under the following conditions.

1. You have a caddy.
2. You have a single digit handicap.
3. You are playing a renowned course such as St. Andrews, Augusta, Pinehurst, or Pebble Beach.
4. You do not try to rationalize walking or treat it as a badge of honor.

So. if you want to be one with nature, join a nudist colony. If you want to strengthen your calves and firm up your buttocks, go to Planet Fitness. If you want to play a rapid but relaxing round of golf, then strap your bag on the back and get in the cart. I’ll drive.

Cover Image via X