On the Golf Course, Don’t be “That” Guy

We all have friends and acquaintances we play with on a regular or semi-regular basis. We enjoy playing with them.

But, we also all know there are guys at our courses who are “that” guy. We do not enjoy playing with them.

You know who I mean. It’s that guy who talks on his phone during the round. Or that guy who hits two tee shots, a couple approaches to the green, and practices the putt he just missed two or three more times, and then says, “I made par.”

Think about the guys you see at your course and you will know what I mean.

I trust none of my readers are “that” guy, but I’m willing to bet you know a few of them. So, show them this article and hope they can identify themselves as “that” guy and take the necessary steps to fix themselves. Or, at least, let’s hope they don’t procreate.

The “I just shot 73 yesterday” guy

You’re three holes into a round and after going bogey, bogey, double bogey, this guy says, “I don’t understand. I just shot [insert score there is no way he ever shot here] yesterday.”

If you’ve played golf for any length of time, you can tell when a guy is a player and when he is not. You watched him on the range and it seems as if he has barely held a golf club before, to say nothing of swinging it with a motion that makes you cringe and search the surrounding area for something with which to gouge your eyes out.

The problem isn’t that he’s bad. The problem is that he is constantly telling you how well he plays when neither you nor anyone you know is there to witness. He never plays his career rounds at your home course. It’s always at a course an hour’s drive away.

This guy is the golf equivalent of that kid in high school who claimed to have a girlfriend who lived in Canada.

Only slightly less annoying than this guy is the guy who is two-under through four holes and says, “I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I never play this well.” He’s hitting 6-irons for his second shots into par-fives, but wants you to think he can barely play dead. Beware of this guy when he wants to “make it interesting.”

The “Oh, there’s my ball” guy

You watch as he hits a wicked slice into the rain forest to the right of the fairway. He trundles into the woods, pokes around for all of five seconds, and then proclaims, “Found it.” And, of course, he has an opening toward the green. He’s never stymied by the trees and always has a perfect lie.

We all know you didn’t just walk up to your ball in there, so stop pretending you did. Maybe this would be believable if it happened once in a while, but when he finds his ball every…single…time, we know what’s going on.

If you’re going to cheat, at least have the decency to take some time rooting around in the woods before you “find” your ball. At least then we can hope you stumble upon a hornet’s nest.

The “This putt is good, right” guy

It’s the fifteenth hole and you have a little money on the line. Nothing crazy, just enough to get the adrenaline flowing. Your opponent hasn’t come close to making a putt all day, and from thirty feet, he bombs his first putt several feet past. What does he do as he walks towards his ball? He looks at you as if to say, “This putt is good, right?” Then, when you rightfully stare at him, saying nothing, he gets mad and wonders aloud about sportsmanship and how he remembered when golf was a gentleman’s game.

Well, guess what, dude? We remember when putting was part of the game, so rather than rely on our good graces, how about you learn to putt?

Put the puppy-dog eyes away and figure out how to read a green, stone hands.

The “Inflated Handicap” guy

You probably know this guy as a sandbagger, and he might be the worst guy on this list. You’ve actually witnessed him shoot a 75, but his handicap is 15. He wins a ton of low-net championships because he keeps his handicap elevated for that very purpose.

And he will never play you straight up. He needs the security blanket of his handicap or he simply can’t compete.

To all you sandbaggers out there, everyone, and I mean everyone knows you’re a sandbagger. No one is fooled by your handicap. Enjoy your winnings because you won’t have many friends.

The opposite of this guy, the reverse sandbagger, the guy whose handicap is too low for his actual play is just a douche. Play that guy as often as you can. Not only will you make some money, but you might get to hear, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just shot a 69 at Whispering Shadows yesterday.”

The “Multiple Mulligan” guy

He tops his tee shot and says, “Breakfast ball.” Then, he hooks the second ball into the pond and says, “Let me hit one good one.”

By the green, he chili-dips his first chip, drops another ball and tries again.

In the sand, he wants to try that shot again because he knows he can get out.

All of this while you’re growing older by the minute and the two groups on the tee behind you are making bets which of them can hit one of you with their tee shots.

One mulligan on the first tee is what it is. Not many will complain about that. Slowing the entire golf course down while you practice like you are preparing for the US Open is something different.

The “Overly Angry” guy

He rolls up with a bag from the 1980’s and clubs to match. Dust flies off his bag as he pulls it from his trunk along with his golf shoes with “kilties” and metal spikes. On the range, he admits he hasn’t swung a club in a while. What you later discover is his version of “a while” can be measured in parts of decades.

On the course, as he flails away at the ball, tearing great chunks of sod from the ground as if he intends to plant winter wheat, he is a curse-word-hurling, club-throwing tornado of rage who can’t seem to figure out why he’s not good at golf.

The man never practices and hardly ever plays, but is mystified to the point of seismic anger by the fact that he can barely advance the ball fifty yards.

And being around him for four and half hours is an exercise in patience on your part.

The “Anything you have done, I have done better” guy

You say, “I made the best par on this hole once. I sliced into the trees, and my second shot…”

He interrupts you saying, “This one time, I hit two iron off the tee here, driver off the deck from 330 yards to six inches and made eagle.”

Everyone knows the two biggest liars in sports are golf players and anglers, but this guy takes it to Biblical levels. And every story he tells is in response to a story you just told (or tried to), and always makes him look luckier, more skillful, and/or greater than you in some way.

I often try to come up with off-the-wall stories of things I haven’t – and couldn’t have – done just to see if he will tell an even more outrageous lie.

One of my favorites was when a guy told me he made fifty dollars on a barky-splashy-sandy birdie he made on a par-5 hole. He literally told me about the six shots (and one penalty stroke) he took on the hole, but still made birdie. It just goes to show you that if you are around BS long enough, you’ll stop listening, even if it is your BS.

The “The rule book says…” guy

When you’re playing with friends, it is supposed to be casual and fun. Maybe you put a few bucks on the line, but nothing anyone is going to get mad about if they lose.

When this guy is along, though, every shot must be in accordance with the rules of golf, even if you are just playing an emergency nine before the sun sets.

 
“No, you have to go back to the tee and play your third shot.”

“No, you have to keep that point between you and the hole for your drop.”

“No, I don’t see any casual water there.”

“No, you have to take relief from the cart path, then take relieve from the casual water, then take relief from the ground under repair if you ball comes to rest in it. Then…”

Give it a break! We just want to knock the ball around for a little while. We aren’t turning in a score. No one from the USGA is going to care if we don’t take a perfect drop in accordance with the rules. Just chill!

The “We weren’t really playing for money, were we” guy

You’ve just hammered this guy in a match. You were playing a point a hole and you made $13 off him. It’s $13, but this guy wants to act like he’s going to have to refinance his house to pay it.

In the bar, after the round, you tally up the score and say, “Thirteen dollars.”

He says, “Oh, I didn’t think we were really play for money.”

This is the same guy who, if he had won, would have demanded payment before you walked off the 18th green. When he is up, he knows the score perfectly. When he is down, he wants to study the scorecard like it is written in hieroglyphics.

Get your wallet out and pay, you tool.

The “I have to take this call” guy

You’re over a four-foot knee-knocker for par and you hear the dulcet tones of Judas Priest blaring from your friend’s bag, “Livin’ after midnight. Rockin’ to the dawn. Lovin’ till the morning…”

 
You glare at your buddy as he smiles and says, “Sorry. I have to take this.”

And he doesn’t take the call quietly, away from the green, for 30 seconds. He launches into a prolonged, loud conversation right there on the green, and even has the gall to say to you, “Go ahead and putt.”

If you have to take phone calls, put your phone on vibrate, and take them quietly in between holes.

The “Put me down for a bogey” guy

This is the guy that would be produced if “Multiple mulligan” guy was knocked up by “reverse sandbagger.” He takes at least six strokes on a hole and “conveniently” forgets one or two of them, claiming to have made a par, or bogey at worst.

My theory on this guy is that he actually does lose track of how many strokes he takes because he is constantly taking mulligans, breakfast balls, and practice shots. You would need a slide rule to figure out his real score if you were to count the number of times one of his clubs struck a ball and the accompanying penalties involved.

It is for this reason that you never see this guy and Rules guy in the same group. Rules guy would have a coronary by the fourth tee.

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