Spending Rory’s Money; Here’s How I’d Spend it

This golf season, Rory McIlroy won over $23,000,000 in prize money. This does not include endorsements or personal appearances. That’s right. He earned over $23,000,000 just for playing golf and he deserved every penny of it. He competes at the highest level of his chosen profession in a sport where your earnings are based on your talent, work ethic, and performance. Golf doesn’t pay you to sit on the bench. It is pure capitalism. The money you earn in a tournament is based on your score. It is not allocated by Bernie Sanders.

I am not sure what Rory will do with the winnings. However, considering the high percentage of professional athletes who finish their lucrative careers only to go bankrupt five years later, Rory should take the cash and bury it somewhere in Northern Ireland.

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Personally, if I had that kind of money, I would utilize it for the betterment of mankind, to advance scientific discovery, and to satisfy some of my modest personal needs. In no particular order, I would spend the money as follows:

Buy a boat, a Lamborghini, and Greenland.

Buy my own golf cart and put spinners on the wheels. To keep me cool, it would have air conditioning. To keep me warm, it would have Margot Robbie. It would also have a television, wind gauge, range finder, a beer tap, but no cell phone.

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Pay to have Phil Mickelson’s short game, Brooks Koepka’s power, and Rickie Fowler’s mustache.

Buy the Hogan Bridge and charge a toll.

Sponsor a celebrity golf tournament just for athletes who kneel during the national anthem. It would be called the “Dumbass Open”.

Have a beer cart girl follow me wherever I go on the golf course as well as to the supermarket, the tire and auto center, and Home Depot.

Buy a Peloton exercise bike and hire Lance Armstrong to ride it for me.

Hire Bones Mackay as my caddie and Lexi Thompson as my fitness trainer and only play with friends who yell “it’s good” while my putt is still rolling.

Pay Gary McCord to sit in my family room and broadcast the 2020 Masters

Consult with preeminent sports psychologist, Bob Rotella, to help me overcome my putting yips and to determine why I have an overwhelming desire to turn on the Golf Channel and dance naked in front of Brandel Chamblee.

Put a pool in my yard and fill it with Dallas Cowgirl Cheerleaders

Develop a golf ball that glows in the dark, floats on a pond, and can be located with Google Maps.

Buy a “My Pillow”. They must be good. I even fall asleep during their commercials.

Build a golf course featuring a 12 yard long par 3 for those of us still seeking our first hole in one.

Buy a driving range and use Joy Behar, Rachel Maddow, Bill Maher, and Skip Bayless as yardage markers.

Build a putting green with cups the size of manhole covers.

Date a supermodel with cups the size of manhole covers.

Buy a Segway for Bryson DeChambeau to speed up his play.

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Pay Kevin Stadler $100,000 to not pose nude in ESPN Magazine’s Body Issue.

Pay reparations, but only to Lee Elder.

And set aside any remaining funds to cover Tiger’s medical bills and John Daly’s bar tab.

In reality, if I had Rory’s money, I would just donate to some worthwhile charities, pay off my debts, play more golf, bet bigger on March Madness, and buy a Calloway Epic Flash Star Driver, which I am convinced will add 117 yards to my drives.

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And, I am not resentful of Rory or any other professional athlete for making mindboggling sums of money. You and I work hard and might be very good at our jobs, but lots of people can teach math, drive a bus, sell insurance, or repair a car, but very few people can reach a 590 yard par 5 in two. And very few people have an occupation where millions of other people are willing to pay to watch them work.

So, to Rory, Tiger, Brooks, Phil, and everyone else on the leaderboard, thanks for being extraordinary and keep the change.

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