The Teachings Of a Psychopath – A Golf Hustler’s Playbook

It didn’t take long to realize something was off with the guy.

With an amorphous personality that rivaled his otherworldly shot-shaping abilities, he personified the emotional sequence of stepping onto the hole of your dreams for the first time, followed by the type of tee shot that makes you vow to quit the game—for real this time.

His chemical imbalances were like a balance sheet under audit—significant assets outweighed by seemingly endless liabilities.

I liken spending time with him to receiving an invitation to play 18 at Augusta National; only it’s not the real Augusta National, it’s a more challenging replica, and you’re not being flown out to Georgia for the weekend, you’re playing somewhere in between the sixth and seventh rungs of hell.

He bilked, he blandished, and he won a shit-ton of money in the process.

What follows are a few of the arcane truths about winning at all costs, taken directly from the teachings of the most badass, sociopathic hustler you’ll never want to meet on a golf course.

Let me set the scene:  My summer of schooling on the course was one profanity away from never happening. It was the last day of tryouts for our high school golf team, and he was at the range hitting balls.  Our team was anxious for the upcoming season, and our coach was equally anxious to make an announcement.  “Guys, after three days of tryouts and much thought, I’ve decided to add a freshman to the roster this season.  My decision was based solely on his game, which, according to the scores he posted these last three days, is significantly better than any of yours.”

The back-handed comment was followed by a scream.  The kind of scream that regular golfers are well accustomed to hearing reverberating around the golf course.  Only this scream was different…more intense somehow.

Our eyes scanned the area simultaneously, trying to locate the source of this hideous demon growl.  It was him.  He was slamming his driver against the ground, yelling profanities so unbelievably obscene that I’ve since repressed them from memory.  What struck me at that moment, however, wasn’t the string of seemingly pre-conceived, well-thought-out expletives, it was the sheer ferocity with which he pronounced them.  Even the most sadistic golf god would be hard-pressed to extract that kind of fury out of someone…ANYONE.

The entire scene was frighteningly incredible, and I knew then and there that I had to meet this guy, but decided to wait, for obvious reasons.  I didn’t know it at the time, but my summer of schooling was officially in session.

Lesson #1:  If your competitors question your sanity, even for a second, that’s one less second spent focusing on their own game and one more tip of the scale in your favor.

Believe it or not, competitive golf allows you to play defense.  This probably comes as a surprise to most of you.  It certainly was to me.  Allow me to explain with a hypothetical:  You’re five holes into an 18-hole round, and you haven’t missed a fairway yet.  I bet you’ll miss the sixth fairway.  How can I be sure?  Well, to be completely honest, I can’t be.  But man-oh-man are you hitting beautiful drives today!  What are you doing differently?  I swear that last one had at least 15 extra yards of carry.  C’mon, what’s your secret?  I can’t even hit five fairways throughout in 2 round!   Let me know how your tee shot on number six turns out.

Lesson #2: Golf is a game of rhythm and balance, both of which have a common enemy:  adrenaline. 

Give your opponent an injection or two and he/she might as well be a vertigo-ridden nonagenarian.  Side note: If you’re taking money from a vertigo-ridden nonagenarian, you should be ashamed of yourself.  I do, however, respect the hustle.

Lesson #3:  Your brain during a round of golf is like a seesaw.

The seesaw remains level when you’re hitting fairways and greens; the seesaw begins to tip when you’re not.  When the seesaw’s leaning completely in one direction, you’ve been asked to leave the course due to apparent safety concerns from other golfers.

Now, the mentally tough among us have a much sturdier equilibrium.  That’s important to know, because lesson #3 won’t work on everyone, so, by taking this approach, you’re welcoming the risk of looking like a complete and utter moron.  Now that that’s understood, I’ll proceed:  If you want to get inside your opponent’s head, simply sit on one end of the seesaw.  You can accomplish this in a variety of ways.  Here are a few effective examples:

#1) Ask if your opponent wants the pin tended, regardless of where he is on the green (or off the green).

#2) Call your opponent by as many different names as possible throughout the round, just not his/her actual name.

#3) Sprinkle in an aphorism every few holes.  It’s crucial that these be recycled with your own nonsensical spin.  If your opponent tries to correct you, you’re doing something right. Examples:

1. Never up, never thin.
2. When it’s breezy, try not to sneezy.
3. Grip it and chip it.

#5) If at any point you have to wait for the group in front of you, practice a skill completely unrelated to golf.  i.e. break dancing, shadow puppets, bird calling, etc.

#6) Bring a spare polo.  I recommend the brightest neon color you can find.  When your opponent is out of sight, put it on.  When he inevitably asks if you changed shirts, laugh in his face and tell him he’s losing it.

#7) Instead of the commonly used smiley face/initials/dots, mark your ball with something obscene.

The game of golf is challenging enough; throw some skin in the game, and it can be downright cruel.

Note that none of my recommendations involve cheating.  Even the loonies among us know the game deserves a certain level of respect.  We’re discussing a fine line, no doubt.  What you need to ask yourself is, would you rather walk off the course as a buffoon with the skins and a victory, or a really nice person who needs to refinance his home and sense of pride?

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