Golf’s Definition of Insanity

You show up for your weekly round of golf with clubs from the video pong era, with pain numbing medications as a substitute for practicing and conditioning, and with a third world knowledge about how to advance a golf ball from tee to green. You slice drives, top irons, duff chips, and three-putt greens while cursing, whining, and occasionally hurling a club with more power and precision than any of your previous swings. And, as frustrating as this experience can be, you do little to ever change the outcome. This is golf’s definition of insanity.

Well listen to me, my fellow weekend warriors, it doesn’t have to be this way. There is no magic pill, but there are some steps you should take to elevate your game and make golf more enjoyable than dental surgery.

Step One: Look Like a Dude, Play Like a Dude

I once watched Seve Ballesteros warm up before a tournament at Congressional Country Club. He was wearing a pair of golf slacks and a shirt that were form fitted, color coordinated, and perfectly pressed. His shoes and belt matched. Not a single follicle of hair was out of place and his driver was not only forged with the latest technology, it shimmered like Zorro’s sword. He was the ultimate golf dude.

In another universe, my regular foursome follows the unspoken belief that you should not dress better than you play. Therefore, we go for the homeless look with everything but an “I Will Golf for Food” sign. My retired military buddy, known as Colonel Chunk, wears brown socks with plaid shorts which have the same pattern as the veins in his legs. Our other partner hasn’t cleaned his clubs since the Bush administration. They look like gardening tools. The grooves in his irons are typically filled with dirt, goose droppings, and fragments of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich he ate at the turn. As for me, my favorite golf shirt has a gravy stain on it in the shape of Natalie Gulbis, which I refuse to wash out.

There is no denying that most amateurs need a makeover. Wearing respectable golf attire may not take strokes off your score, but it would make the cart girl less afraid to stop than the serial killer look you are now sporting.

New clubs would also make a significant difference. You don’t have to mortgage your home and buy a state-of-the-art Callaway Epic Flash Sub Zero Custom Driver. Any standard driver would look better and produce better results than the Fred Flintstone model you are currently swinging. So, make the commitment, upgrade your equipment.

Step Two: More Torque, Less Pork

Gary Player demonstrated the benefits of calisthenics and lifting weights. Tiger Woods took strength conditioning to another level. And Brooks Koepka has bigger guns on him than the Battleship Missouri.

However, like most amateurs, I do not work out. I believe in planned obsolescence. I believe that my knees, rotator cuffs, and hips are programmed for a limited number of repetitive movements in a lifetime. At this point, I have used the bare minimum. I am tender as veal, but I am in absolute mint condition.

Colonel Chunk believes that the excess fat on his aging body is nature’s way of protecting his vital internal organs in the event of a fall. It is like Styrofoam packing material. It is God’s plan; therefore, who is he to question it. He refuses to diet.

And our other playing partner has never seen the inside of a gym. He follows the philosophy of the late comedian Red Skelton, who said he stayed in shape by being a pallbearer for his friends that jogged.

Most amateur golfers need to improve their physical condition. Scientific studies show a direct correlation between your handicap and your cholesterol level. In other words, if you hit the ball fat, you probably are fat. And if the last time you played through another foursome was in the cafeteria line at Golden Corral, it is time to diet. You will never again be that guy sprinting downfield breaking tackles on the way to a touchdown; but you do not have to be that guy sitting in a golf cart whining because today is “cart path only.” If you want to drop a few strokes, then drop a few pounds.

Step Three: Don’t Make Stuff Up

Pros have personal coaches. They worship the holy trinity of Haney, Harmon, and Leadbetter. They hire specialists in chipping, putting, and every other aspect of the game. The have learned proper technique from the Yodas of Golf and from years of experience.

As amateurs, you would think that we would emulate the proven techniques developed and utilized by the pros over the ages. No sir, not when we can make stuff up. We amateurs are the Picassos of golf. We are believers that two wrongs can make a right. If we cannot diagnose and correct our swing flaw, we will invent a new flaw to offset it. And if all else fails, we will gladly take suggestions from the other guy in our cart who is a 47 handicap.

Desperate to cure his duck hook, my brother once wrapped his left arm in plastic to keep it straight. To improve his putting accuracy, Colonel Chunk clutches his putter six inches above the face of the club and bends over like a feeding ostrich. And worst of all is my cousin, who theorized he could drive the ball further if he could break wind at the exact moment of impact. It was the same principal as a karate yell.

Personally, I am a natural born, self-taught, home schooled hack. When people say I am a good driver they are usually talking about how I operate the cart. The problem with my swing lies somewhere within my grip, my stance, my concentration, or possibly my polo shirt. But I am not worried. I will figure it out myself. And when I have accomplished this, I am going to work on a cure for cancer and world peace.

The average amateur needs to accept that having watched Caddyshack and Tin Cup 235 times does not make you an expert on golf. You must become a student of the game. You must watch videos, read golf magazines, and maybe even take a lesson. At the very least, stop making stuff up and stop taking advice from anyone whose handicap is higher than your shoe size.

Golf is not rocket science. It’s harder. The basic golf swing has more moving parts than Beyonce. You must be mentally and physically prepared for every round. You wouldn’t dive into a lake without knowing how to swim and you shouldn’t walk onto a golf course without knowing how to play. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for 18 holes of mind bending frustration.

If you say you don’t have time to work on your game, I am sympathetic. If you say you don’t care about your score and just play for fun, I don’t buy it. Personally, I can’t think of anything I do badly yet still enjoy, other than my sex life.

And keep in mind that you may not care how badly you play, but the foursome behind you cares. They are the ones who are forced to spend the afternoon watching you chunk, hack, and roll your ball from one side of the fairway to the other like a cat playing with a ball of yarn. The only thing worse would be watching John Daly and Rosie O’Donnell in an episode of “Naked & Afraid”.

So, my fellow hack masters, stop the insanity and start taking the necessary steps to improve. We need to stop losing our minds and start losing strokes.